How do you punish a child for behavior you know the child can't control? How do you look at your child and say, "I know you can't control yourself, and I know we're working on that, but you're grounded for a week for something you couldn't stop yourself from doing"? Do you punish them when you know they can't control it? Or do you let it slide? Or some grey area in the middle?
This is the conundrum faced by many families like mine, whose children have severe ADHD and ODD, or other behavioral issues. We face the stigma from society, too, of being "overly permissive parents" who "made" our kids into brats. And that stigma often makes our job even harder. We want our kids to understand that the world won't let them act the way they do, that the world won't be kind to them, and yet we want to change the world for them, so that they can be themselves without fear. And we start by teaching the world that they are wrong about our kids.
Brought to you by today's events in the life of my autistic, severe ADHD and ODD six year old son, here are some myths about ADHD and ODD busted for you by one very tired, very worn down, very teary momma:
"He can totally control himself! He just doesn't WANT to!"
ADHD/ADD is a chemical imbalance in the brain. ODD is most likely caused by a combination of genetic, biological, and environmental factors. Think of it this way: imagine a car. Everything looks perfect, so you start driving down the road. You come to a stop light. It's red, so you go to stop the car and realize...there are no brakes. The brake pedal is there, but the brakes don't work. This is what it's like for children with ADHD and ODD: the set up is there, but the connections don't work. KNOWING they shouldn't do or say something doesn't equate to being able to STOP themselves.
ADHD isn't a big deal. So he's a little hyper- big whoop!
This a problem much more complex than a little case of ants-in-the-pants. ADHD involves impairments in many areas, such as organization, focus, controlling their emotions, motivation, and memory. So yes, it IS a big deal.
Your kid doesn't have a behavioral disorder- he's just a brat.
Yes, there are children out there who have no behavioral disorders but act out very similarly to how most people understand kids with ADHD or ODD to behave. However, the difference between these children lies in the severity and patterns of behavior. For example, to be diagnosed with ODD, a child must:
This is the conundrum faced by many families like mine, whose children have severe ADHD and ODD, or other behavioral issues. We face the stigma from society, too, of being "overly permissive parents" who "made" our kids into brats. And that stigma often makes our job even harder. We want our kids to understand that the world won't let them act the way they do, that the world won't be kind to them, and yet we want to change the world for them, so that they can be themselves without fear. And we start by teaching the world that they are wrong about our kids.
Brought to you by today's events in the life of my autistic, severe ADHD and ODD six year old son, here are some myths about ADHD and ODD busted for you by one very tired, very worn down, very teary momma:
"He can totally control himself! He just doesn't WANT to!"
ADHD/ADD is a chemical imbalance in the brain. ODD is most likely caused by a combination of genetic, biological, and environmental factors. Think of it this way: imagine a car. Everything looks perfect, so you start driving down the road. You come to a stop light. It's red, so you go to stop the car and realize...there are no brakes. The brake pedal is there, but the brakes don't work. This is what it's like for children with ADHD and ODD: the set up is there, but the connections don't work. KNOWING they shouldn't do or say something doesn't equate to being able to STOP themselves.
ADHD isn't a big deal. So he's a little hyper- big whoop!
This a problem much more complex than a little case of ants-in-the-pants. ADHD involves impairments in many areas, such as organization, focus, controlling their emotions, motivation, and memory. So yes, it IS a big deal.
Your kid doesn't have a behavioral disorder- he's just a brat.
Yes, there are children out there who have no behavioral disorders but act out very similarly to how most people understand kids with ADHD or ODD to behave. However, the difference between these children lies in the severity and patterns of behavior. For example, to be diagnosed with ODD, a child must:
- often lose their temper
- argue with adults/authority figures
- actively defy or refuse to comply with rules and requests of adults/authority figures
- deliberately annoy people
- blame others for his or her own actions
- be touchy or easily annoyed by others
- often be angry and/or resentful
- be spiteful and vindictive, often for reasons unknown to those around them
The child must display at least four of these behaviors on a regular basis for six consecutive months to be diagnosed with ODD, which is far more than a "typical" child. Rule of thumb: compare the behavior to typical children of that age range. If it is more intense, happens more often, etc., the child most likely has a behavior disorder like ODD. See a doctor for diagnosis/referral.
ADHD isn't real. It was made up by Big Pharma to keep kids medicated.
So, here we can debunk at least three myths associated with ADHD. First: ADHD is indeed very real. So real, in fact, that it's not even a modern disorder. The first recorded case of anything resembling ADHD can be traced all the way back to 1775. For my fellow Americans out there, that means it even predates our Declaration of Independence. Please refer to my first and second points for more information on what ADHD entails.
As to keeping kids medicated, let's talk about this in two parts. We'll start with the "kids" part.
Eventually, children grow up, no matter how much we beg them not to (and I've found yelling, "IT'S A TRAP!" has little to no affect on the matter either). Children with ADHD grow up, too. They become...drum roll, please...ADULTS with ADHD. There's even such a thing as Adult-onset ADHD.
Moving on from there, let's talk about the medicated half of that phrase up there. While it's true that ADHD is commonly treated with medication, it's by no means the only treatment, nor are these kids being overly medicated. In fact, most studies agree the medicated ADHD children are receiving appropriate medication OR are actually under medicated.
So no, Big Pharma didn't invent ADHD, and it's not a made-up disease to keep lazy parents from having to do their jobs.
There's nothing wrong with your kid. You're just a bad parent.
This particular myth is what hurts families like mine the most. There are many people in the world afraid to have their child seen or to reveal that their child has a diagnosis of ADHD, ODD, or other behavioral disorders because of the amount of people who blame the parents. Before we move onto facts, let me just say: if you are one of those people shouting from the rooftops that these disorders don't exist and it's just bad parenting, I hope I'm able to help change your thinking, and also...please, for the love of what little sanity remains to parents like me...STOP!
Now then. Facts. Most research actually indicates that ADHD is genetic in nature, although neurological factors such as birth defects, brain damage, and certain infections can also lead to ADHD development. As for ODD, I mentioned earlier that ODD is most likely caused by a combination of genetic, biological, and environmental factors. Why did I say "most likely"? Well, like many disorders, we're only now beginning to understand ODD, and we're not yet sure what causes it. So does that mean bad parenting or a lack of parenting skills causes ODD?
The short answer is, no. The long answer is, in certain dynamics, a lack of parenting skills can contribute to ODD symptoms, but alone, will not cause them. The other factors (genetic/biological) need to be in place for an environmental factor to have an affect, and you don't have to have an environmental factor to end up with ODD.
In our case, there is a family history on one side of both ADHD and ODD. My kids were, forgive the dramatics, doomed from the start. I will be the first to admit that my being a young, inexperienced parent probably did contribute to how bad Kyle's ODD became, but by no means did having a young, inexperienced parent CAUSE Kyle to have ODD, or any other child like him. There's a difference between "cause" and "contributing effect." I take responsibility for CONTRIBUTING to Kyle's ODD with my youth and inexperience as a parent, and have sought out groups and support for parents with kids like him to learn how to help him and how to better my skills as a parent before it's too late to help him. And yes, there will be a time when it's too late.
Speaking of being too late, because these disorders are best treated when kids are young, it is best to get them seen and diagnosed as soon as possible. Getting a diagnosis doesn't mean the child must be medicated. What it does mean is that the parents can have an answer for why their child acts the way they do, the child can receive understanding, and all parties can receive help from a trained professional to give the child the best shot at growing up to be a productive member of society. And society needs to recognize that these disorders exist, and early intervention is the best way to help, instead of shaming parents and judging young children.
