When It's Not a Tantrum and You Need to Hush About My Kid

"I would NEVER let my child act like that!" claims Madam Holier-Than-Thou as your child rocks on the floor of the grocery store, hands clapped over his ears, tears streaming down his face. You feel tears well in your own eyes as you try frantically to gather your struggling child off the ground so you can hopefully calm him down, or leave if you absolutely must. Everything in you wants to scream at this woman, and all the others staring at you, judging you, judging your child, that there is a difference between what your child is doing and what they think your child is doing, but you're too exhausted to try, and too worn down to know where to start, so you just mumble "He's autistic" and keep going, praying they'll leave you alone.

Millions of parents the world over live this or similar scenarios every day. As the public opinion of the "Bratty Child" takes over, more and more people feel it's okay for them to say something to parents whose children are acting in a way they disagree with, without knowing the family at all. There's a huge difference between "Little Timmy didn't get his way" and "Little Timmy's brain is overloaded and he can't take the sensory input anymore."

A tantrum means Little Timmy isn't getting what he wants. You can stop the tantrum. Little Timmy wants a cookie in the grocery store and got told no? You can either give in or distract him, and Little Timmy will stop. He'll also watch you, waiting to see if you're paying attention to what he's doing. Little Timmy is being a kid- this is perfectly normal childhood behavior and most children, yes even the special needs ones, do this at some point or another.

A meltdown means Little Timmy doesn't care if you're paying attention or not. It's triggered by sensory overload- too much noise, too many people, lights that are too bright, etc. There's nothing you can do to stop it once it starts. You can remove the child from the situation, but the child is still going to be in meltdown mode until they themselves work it out. 

Outsiders often can't tell the difference, because they weren't taught, and because they don't know the child in question. It's one reason why many parents, myself included, despise taking our kids out- they're not giving us a hard time, they're HAVING a hard time, but Judgey McJudgeyFace over there thinks she knows best and thinks our kids are brats. So, the message our kids get over something they can't help? They're naughty children.

And the term "meltdown" is used by parents of NT children frequently to describe their children's tantrums. It  makes it harder for the world to understand what a true meltdown is when they see this word being used incorrectly. There's a meme on Facebook that I feel fits this perfectly:

So no, it wasn't a meltdown and you need to stop. In the same token, my kid didn't have a tantrum and you need to hush about my kid.