"I could never be a single mom."
I hear that a lot from my friends and family who aren't single moms. That, to me, makes it sound as if they are in awe of single parents, which is all well and good-it is vastly different from parenting when you're in a relationship. Many of them pity single parents, so sure that we have the worst end of the deal.
Oh, there are disadvantages in abundance to being a single parent. Whether you are a single mom or dad, or single-handedly raising your grandchildren, you face many of the same problems: financial hardship, having to explain to your children where the other parent is if they're uninvolved or under-involved, handling all the problems on your own with little or no support...all the things that people in relationships are well aware of and can't imagine facing themselves.
Trust me, very few single parents ever thought we'd be in the position we're in.
I can't speak for all single parents, so I'll just say that in my experience raising a disabled child and a typical child who have an uninvolved father on my own, the hardships are numerous. I juggle doctor appointments with both kids in tow, whether they are Kai's, Taryn's, or my own. I've gone without a surgery I need for nearly a year now because I don't have the childcare to do it. Taryn has learned to walk, run, and speak attending physical, occupational, and speech therapies with his older brother, while all the attention was on Kai and not him. I have learned to hold my screaming, struggling three year-old with one arm while assisting the nurse attempting to give my one year old a shot with the other. I have struggled to pay bills from month to month, sometimes calling family in tears unsure of how I'm to pay this bill or that bill because insurance refused to cover Kai's appointment or Taryn's medicine or some other thing cropped up and it was important and I had to pay it. I have felt like a failure when my youngest son spends days on end playing on his own because I'm busy running my older child to appointments that call for my full attention, or because his big brother has hurtled out of control and I need to deal with him, so while Taryn's basic needs are met, his need for my attention has gone unmet. Those are usually the days I let him stay up late because I know he needs me, and bedtime can wait-he can't. I've cried when my oldest son demands his father and I have no answer for him. But.
There's always a but.
For every unpaid bill, there's a day full of memories. There's the day we spent baking cookies because the boys wanted to, and the day we spent camping in the living room because it was too icky to go outside and I needed a way to entertain them. For all the bad days, there are the nights when I've ended up with both boys snuggled up in my bed, watching movies with me and giggling and talking in words I don't understand. For every appointment where all the attention was focused on Kai and Taryn took a backseat, there is a night full of laughter and fun projects Taryn and I have done after Kai was in bed. For every unmet demand for their father, there is another day full of their mom that they can look back on when they grow up and say "No matter what we went through, Mom was there. No matter what we said or did to her, she loved us, and she never left us. For every even in our lives that our dad missed, our mom cheered us on twice as much."
For every screaming match between me and their father in which I begged and pleaded with him "Just pay attention, please! Just see them, play with them, stick your head through the front door and yell that you love them-anything! Please!", there is a hug, a kiss, a snuggle from one or both boys that lets me know, on some level, they understand. For every time I saw another child with their father at the park and broke my heart over my children's lack of that relationship, there is an "I love you Mom!", a special moment that can never be replaced-there is my children's knowledge that their mother adores them. For every moment I felt I couldn't do it on my own, and for all those moments still sure to come in the years stretching before us, there is another moment that tells me, I might not have all the answers, and I might make mistakes, and I can never replace their father, but I've done the best I can, and somewhere deep down they know that.
I was that person, once. A long time ago, it seems. I never thought, when they handed me Kai the day he was born, that I would find myself a single mother of two and that Kai would be revealed to have so many health problems. And though that has undoubtedly made my experience different from many other single parents, it has made it no less special and incredible. One day, my children will look back and say "Wow. Mom did all that on her own?" And it will hopefully give them respect for women and mothers they will meet, especially the women I hope they some day fall in love with. I may not know what the future holds in store for them (unfortunately, one of the Mom super powers I didn't get was psychic ability), but I do hope that for them-that they will fall in love one day, and that they will know women are strong; I hope that I, and all the other single parents out there, are strong enough to teach our children, come what may, you can do it on your own. All the single dads, I hope you set the bar high for your sons and daughters-show your sons what a man should be, involved and loving. Show your daughters that there is no need to settle-they can have high standards because they deserve it. All the other single moms, teach your sons that the future mother of their child doesn't need them, and thus they must treat her well to deserve her. Teach them how to get along with their ex if it ever comes down to that, but to know what to do if that isn't possible. Teach your daughters to be strong, self-reliant women. All the grandparents out there raising their grandkids for whatever reason, teach those kids the old-fashioned values parents of my generation may not think to impart. Raise them to be ladies and gentlemen like you were. Teach them that so that, if your granddaughter falls in love with my son, she can teach him what I didn't know to teach him.
And all you parents in relationships, don't worry-if your relationship ends, there's a lot of us out here; we've got your back.
I hear that a lot from my friends and family who aren't single moms. That, to me, makes it sound as if they are in awe of single parents, which is all well and good-it is vastly different from parenting when you're in a relationship. Many of them pity single parents, so sure that we have the worst end of the deal.
Oh, there are disadvantages in abundance to being a single parent. Whether you are a single mom or dad, or single-handedly raising your grandchildren, you face many of the same problems: financial hardship, having to explain to your children where the other parent is if they're uninvolved or under-involved, handling all the problems on your own with little or no support...all the things that people in relationships are well aware of and can't imagine facing themselves.
Trust me, very few single parents ever thought we'd be in the position we're in.
I can't speak for all single parents, so I'll just say that in my experience raising a disabled child and a typical child who have an uninvolved father on my own, the hardships are numerous. I juggle doctor appointments with both kids in tow, whether they are Kai's, Taryn's, or my own. I've gone without a surgery I need for nearly a year now because I don't have the childcare to do it. Taryn has learned to walk, run, and speak attending physical, occupational, and speech therapies with his older brother, while all the attention was on Kai and not him. I have learned to hold my screaming, struggling three year-old with one arm while assisting the nurse attempting to give my one year old a shot with the other. I have struggled to pay bills from month to month, sometimes calling family in tears unsure of how I'm to pay this bill or that bill because insurance refused to cover Kai's appointment or Taryn's medicine or some other thing cropped up and it was important and I had to pay it. I have felt like a failure when my youngest son spends days on end playing on his own because I'm busy running my older child to appointments that call for my full attention, or because his big brother has hurtled out of control and I need to deal with him, so while Taryn's basic needs are met, his need for my attention has gone unmet. Those are usually the days I let him stay up late because I know he needs me, and bedtime can wait-he can't. I've cried when my oldest son demands his father and I have no answer for him. But.
There's always a but.
For every unpaid bill, there's a day full of memories. There's the day we spent baking cookies because the boys wanted to, and the day we spent camping in the living room because it was too icky to go outside and I needed a way to entertain them. For all the bad days, there are the nights when I've ended up with both boys snuggled up in my bed, watching movies with me and giggling and talking in words I don't understand. For every appointment where all the attention was focused on Kai and Taryn took a backseat, there is a night full of laughter and fun projects Taryn and I have done after Kai was in bed. For every unmet demand for their father, there is another day full of their mom that they can look back on when they grow up and say "No matter what we went through, Mom was there. No matter what we said or did to her, she loved us, and she never left us. For every even in our lives that our dad missed, our mom cheered us on twice as much."
For every screaming match between me and their father in which I begged and pleaded with him "Just pay attention, please! Just see them, play with them, stick your head through the front door and yell that you love them-anything! Please!", there is a hug, a kiss, a snuggle from one or both boys that lets me know, on some level, they understand. For every time I saw another child with their father at the park and broke my heart over my children's lack of that relationship, there is an "I love you Mom!", a special moment that can never be replaced-there is my children's knowledge that their mother adores them. For every moment I felt I couldn't do it on my own, and for all those moments still sure to come in the years stretching before us, there is another moment that tells me, I might not have all the answers, and I might make mistakes, and I can never replace their father, but I've done the best I can, and somewhere deep down they know that.
I was that person, once. A long time ago, it seems. I never thought, when they handed me Kai the day he was born, that I would find myself a single mother of two and that Kai would be revealed to have so many health problems. And though that has undoubtedly made my experience different from many other single parents, it has made it no less special and incredible. One day, my children will look back and say "Wow. Mom did all that on her own?" And it will hopefully give them respect for women and mothers they will meet, especially the women I hope they some day fall in love with. I may not know what the future holds in store for them (unfortunately, one of the Mom super powers I didn't get was psychic ability), but I do hope that for them-that they will fall in love one day, and that they will know women are strong; I hope that I, and all the other single parents out there, are strong enough to teach our children, come what may, you can do it on your own. All the single dads, I hope you set the bar high for your sons and daughters-show your sons what a man should be, involved and loving. Show your daughters that there is no need to settle-they can have high standards because they deserve it. All the other single moms, teach your sons that the future mother of their child doesn't need them, and thus they must treat her well to deserve her. Teach them how to get along with their ex if it ever comes down to that, but to know what to do if that isn't possible. Teach your daughters to be strong, self-reliant women. All the grandparents out there raising their grandkids for whatever reason, teach those kids the old-fashioned values parents of my generation may not think to impart. Raise them to be ladies and gentlemen like you were. Teach them that so that, if your granddaughter falls in love with my son, she can teach him what I didn't know to teach him.
And all you parents in relationships, don't worry-if your relationship ends, there's a lot of us out here; we've got your back.
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