Dear Mom,
I know. There are so many studies out there that all tell you what "caused" your child's autism, what brought you to the point you're at and the world you live in now. One says it's your age, another says it's that pesky thyroid condition you've had for years. Yet another says it's genetic, and then there's the one with the link between autism and induced labor. And of course, who could forget the ancient theory that autism moms are "refrigerator moms," mothers who are unable or unwilling to express emotions to our children and thus stunt them somehow. And, oh, so many more-it's to the point where you're worried your very ability to breathe may have "done this" to your precious child.
Stop.
Stop now.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop wondering where you went wrong. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I am you. I am the mom who sat at the desk, scrolling through Google, looking for answers. I am the mother who felt my heart drop to my feet when they linked autism and maternal illness during pregnancy-I had H1N1; did I do this? Why oh why didn't I take better care of myself? I am the mother of the premature baby who grew up to have autism who never really forgave herself for it-everyone knows preemies are more likely to have autism, right? I am the mother who has lost sleep wondering if I am the cause of my precious boy's problems, trying to find the point where I failed him so miserably. I am the mom who cried herself to sleep for a long time after d-day.
I am you.
I know what you're thinking. "This could never happen to us. We have no one biologically related to us with an autism disorder. I had to have done something. This is somehow my fault." You go through your pregnancy-did you do something wrong? Should you have gone on maternity leave sooner? You go through your labor-should you have foregone the drugs? Was it because, like me, you had a c-section? You go through the early days of your child's life-was it that cold he had when he was a month old? What about the time the cat jumped on her head? Was it what I fed her? Should have breastfed instead? Or should I have bottlefed instead? You question every move, every thought, every decision you've ever made since the moment your precious child was conceived.
Stop.
You did not, I'm guessing, look at your ultrasounds and say to yourself or anyone else "God, I hope this kid's autistic!" You did not manipulate any part of your genetics, your partner's genetics, or anything else to ensure that your child was autistic. No one handed you a syringe and said "If you inject her with this, she'll be autistic," and then injected your child with it. You did nothing but get pregnant, give birth, fall in love with your baby, and bring them home to love, cherish, and raise.
You did nothing wrong.
I want you to do something. Go to your child. If your child is asleep right now, think about them. Are they happy? Do they know beyond a doubt, even if they can't express it, that they are loved? Wanted? Cherished? Do you fight every day that uphill battle we all fight to get our children what they need, what they deserve? Do you give them all they need and then some?
Is the answer to all that "Yes"?
I thought so.
It's not your fault, Mom, and if your baby knew how you were feeling, he'd tell you the same thing. "You didn't do this to me, Mom," he'd tell you. "I don't know why I am this way, Mom, but you didn't do it, and I'm okay, Mom."
It is something we need to learn to accept, you and I. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for what we had no control over. As moms, our goal, our job in this life is to protect our children from the bad things that can happen to them, from crimes to drugs to any kind of illness. And when we learn that something has happened, we feel we failed them, and that is natural.
Forgive yourself, my fellow mom. Forgive yourself for what you didn't know and couldn't protect him from. Forgive yourself for not being able to take it away from her. Forgive yourself for not being able to trade places with your baby and navigate the world that will never fully make sense to them for them.
Forgive yourself, my fellow mom, because you deserve to, because your baby needs you to.
Forgive yourself.
Love,
Me
I know. There are so many studies out there that all tell you what "caused" your child's autism, what brought you to the point you're at and the world you live in now. One says it's your age, another says it's that pesky thyroid condition you've had for years. Yet another says it's genetic, and then there's the one with the link between autism and induced labor. And of course, who could forget the ancient theory that autism moms are "refrigerator moms," mothers who are unable or unwilling to express emotions to our children and thus stunt them somehow. And, oh, so many more-it's to the point where you're worried your very ability to breathe may have "done this" to your precious child.
Stop.
Stop now.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop wondering where you went wrong. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I am you. I am the mom who sat at the desk, scrolling through Google, looking for answers. I am the mother who felt my heart drop to my feet when they linked autism and maternal illness during pregnancy-I had H1N1; did I do this? Why oh why didn't I take better care of myself? I am the mother of the premature baby who grew up to have autism who never really forgave herself for it-everyone knows preemies are more likely to have autism, right? I am the mother who has lost sleep wondering if I am the cause of my precious boy's problems, trying to find the point where I failed him so miserably. I am the mom who cried herself to sleep for a long time after d-day.
I am you.
I know what you're thinking. "This could never happen to us. We have no one biologically related to us with an autism disorder. I had to have done something. This is somehow my fault." You go through your pregnancy-did you do something wrong? Should you have gone on maternity leave sooner? You go through your labor-should you have foregone the drugs? Was it because, like me, you had a c-section? You go through the early days of your child's life-was it that cold he had when he was a month old? What about the time the cat jumped on her head? Was it what I fed her? Should have breastfed instead? Or should I have bottlefed instead? You question every move, every thought, every decision you've ever made since the moment your precious child was conceived.
Stop.
You did not, I'm guessing, look at your ultrasounds and say to yourself or anyone else "God, I hope this kid's autistic!" You did not manipulate any part of your genetics, your partner's genetics, or anything else to ensure that your child was autistic. No one handed you a syringe and said "If you inject her with this, she'll be autistic," and then injected your child with it. You did nothing but get pregnant, give birth, fall in love with your baby, and bring them home to love, cherish, and raise.
You did nothing wrong.
I want you to do something. Go to your child. If your child is asleep right now, think about them. Are they happy? Do they know beyond a doubt, even if they can't express it, that they are loved? Wanted? Cherished? Do you fight every day that uphill battle we all fight to get our children what they need, what they deserve? Do you give them all they need and then some?
Is the answer to all that "Yes"?
I thought so.
It's not your fault, Mom, and if your baby knew how you were feeling, he'd tell you the same thing. "You didn't do this to me, Mom," he'd tell you. "I don't know why I am this way, Mom, but you didn't do it, and I'm okay, Mom."
It is something we need to learn to accept, you and I. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for what we had no control over. As moms, our goal, our job in this life is to protect our children from the bad things that can happen to them, from crimes to drugs to any kind of illness. And when we learn that something has happened, we feel we failed them, and that is natural.
Forgive yourself, my fellow mom. Forgive yourself for what you didn't know and couldn't protect him from. Forgive yourself for not being able to take it away from her. Forgive yourself for not being able to trade places with your baby and navigate the world that will never fully make sense to them for them.
Forgive yourself, my fellow mom, because you deserve to, because your baby needs you to.
Forgive yourself.
Love,
Me
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