I see so many single moms, many of them friends of mine, complaining about how little time their children spend away from them, how often custody orders are changed, ignored, or compromised, how short their monthly child support was this month.
Dears, I have a message for you.
My oldest son is 3 years old, and I can count on one hand the number of times their father has taken him, his brother, or both. Which also means I can count on one hand the number of "breaks" I've gotten. My bank statement can tell you the number of times we have seen financial support from him (never).
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, I have my boys. I have full physical and legal custody for reasons we're not going into. Five days a week, I make appointments, bring them to appointments, handle therapists and doctors and schedules and teachers and medications and diets. Every night, I lose sleep because my oldest son has nightterrors and nightmares spawned by things I wish I could rewind the clock for, and because there are nights when he simply will not sleep.
The other day, I made their head start teacher laugh and think I was insane because I informed her 3 a.m. wasn't THAT late for me to get to sleep, and 8 a.m. wasn't THAT early for me to wake up in that circumstance.
I envy that you have set dates you can plan child-free things around, days when you get to sleep in and just be YOU instead of Mom. I envy that you don't have a child who requires so very much. I envy that you don't know what an IEP is, that you have never heard of DDAVP, Factor VIII, melatonin (though how you missed that one, I'll never know), ABA, or any of the other acronyms and terms that are common place in my house.
I envy you because your children's father wants them. I envy that he is jumping onto your post to tell you he will come and get them, because he WANTS to see them. I envy that he pays his child support. I envy that he is there for you and for your kids.
We are both single moms, you and I, yet it is you who does the complaining, you who has the life I wish I had. You have a life free of doctor appointments, of an uncertain future, of a child scarred and broken before his time. My son's doctors have become friends, confidantes, even family. They know us better than our own family does. They have seen more of both my children than their own father. I have never received support of any kind from their father, be it financial or emotional. I envy that you do not know that life.
Would I trade my life and the children I have for a chance at a different ending to my life? No. Life is a story, and this is my story, my children's story, and I wouldn't change it. But that doesn't stop me from looking at your situation through jaded eyes and thinking you a fool for complaining. There are many who would read the story of my life and think me a fool for complaining, for I have the life they wish they had. Take a look at the lives of those around you, dear-yours really isn't that bad.
This is not to say that I think my life is horrible. I am able to honestly say everything my children have came from me, that we made it on our own. I have been privileged to see my children's first steps, hear their first words, watch their successes and their failures, and watch them grow from babies into little men without interruption. I have been given the distinct honor and privilege of watching my oldest son overcome every obstacle thrown his way, and I can claim the joy of having been the primary person to help him do it. There is nothing about my children I do not know, few memories they have that do not in some way contain their mother. I have learned to stand on my own in a way that you have never had to. Many times, I have fallen financially or otherwise, and found a way to pull myself and my children back from the brink of disaster. And I did it on my own. One day, my children will look back on their lives and know that they were loved and cared for, wholly and completely, to the best of my ability, and that I did it without their father.
Much as I often envy your circumstances, I am proud of the memories my children will be able to look back on and the lessons they will have learned.
Do you want the memories your children retain to be the ones of you complaining that they are with you? Do you want the lesson they learn to be that you resented them?
Dears, I have a message for you.
My oldest son is 3 years old, and I can count on one hand the number of times their father has taken him, his brother, or both. Which also means I can count on one hand the number of "breaks" I've gotten. My bank statement can tell you the number of times we have seen financial support from him (never).
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, I have my boys. I have full physical and legal custody for reasons we're not going into. Five days a week, I make appointments, bring them to appointments, handle therapists and doctors and schedules and teachers and medications and diets. Every night, I lose sleep because my oldest son has nightterrors and nightmares spawned by things I wish I could rewind the clock for, and because there are nights when he simply will not sleep.
The other day, I made their head start teacher laugh and think I was insane because I informed her 3 a.m. wasn't THAT late for me to get to sleep, and 8 a.m. wasn't THAT early for me to wake up in that circumstance.
I envy that you have set dates you can plan child-free things around, days when you get to sleep in and just be YOU instead of Mom. I envy that you don't have a child who requires so very much. I envy that you don't know what an IEP is, that you have never heard of DDAVP, Factor VIII, melatonin (though how you missed that one, I'll never know), ABA, or any of the other acronyms and terms that are common place in my house.
I envy you because your children's father wants them. I envy that he is jumping onto your post to tell you he will come and get them, because he WANTS to see them. I envy that he pays his child support. I envy that he is there for you and for your kids.
We are both single moms, you and I, yet it is you who does the complaining, you who has the life I wish I had. You have a life free of doctor appointments, of an uncertain future, of a child scarred and broken before his time. My son's doctors have become friends, confidantes, even family. They know us better than our own family does. They have seen more of both my children than their own father. I have never received support of any kind from their father, be it financial or emotional. I envy that you do not know that life.
Would I trade my life and the children I have for a chance at a different ending to my life? No. Life is a story, and this is my story, my children's story, and I wouldn't change it. But that doesn't stop me from looking at your situation through jaded eyes and thinking you a fool for complaining. There are many who would read the story of my life and think me a fool for complaining, for I have the life they wish they had. Take a look at the lives of those around you, dear-yours really isn't that bad.
This is not to say that I think my life is horrible. I am able to honestly say everything my children have came from me, that we made it on our own. I have been privileged to see my children's first steps, hear their first words, watch their successes and their failures, and watch them grow from babies into little men without interruption. I have been given the distinct honor and privilege of watching my oldest son overcome every obstacle thrown his way, and I can claim the joy of having been the primary person to help him do it. There is nothing about my children I do not know, few memories they have that do not in some way contain their mother. I have learned to stand on my own in a way that you have never had to. Many times, I have fallen financially or otherwise, and found a way to pull myself and my children back from the brink of disaster. And I did it on my own. One day, my children will look back on their lives and know that they were loved and cared for, wholly and completely, to the best of my ability, and that I did it without their father.
Much as I often envy your circumstances, I am proud of the memories my children will be able to look back on and the lessons they will have learned.
Do you want the memories your children retain to be the ones of you complaining that they are with you? Do you want the lesson they learn to be that you resented them?
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