The Balancing Act

First, we should probably cover that I suffer from insomnia, so very often I write at night when I can't sleep. This is one of those nights.

Today, as stated in my earlier post, Kai's legs didn't want to work for him, and he needed Mommy's comfort. Well, Taryn has reached an age where he's starting to display jealousy when other kids are getting attention from his mommy. All his short little life, attention from Mommy has been a matter of balancing.

Kai gets a lot of attention. There's been endless rounds of doctor appointments, tests, therapies, diagnostic sessions, in-home visits, IFSP meetings, night terrors and nightmares that lead to middle of the night screaming and flailing, meltdowns, outbursts, ER visits with a panicked mommy holding a little boy who tumbled 8 feet to a concrete floor off the top of the basement stairs or some other accident, and so many other things.

Then there's Taryn who, despite 72 hours in NICU at birth and an overnight stay after an apnea episode in November, is perfectly 100% healthy. He tested negative for the genetic issues and so far displays none of the behavioral, psychological, or neurological issues that Kai has. He had a minor issue with his eye which resolved on its own, but has otherwise had no health issues aside from what you'd expect of a baby (teething, colds, and fevers after shots).

Whether or not people realize it, this means that Taryn gets shoveled off to the side a lot. No, I don't ignore him, and no I don't neglect him. But he doesn't get the attention that most younger siblings get.

In a typical household, the baby of the family gets showered with attention, love, affection, and spoiled rotten. The older kids are often left feeling a little pushed to the side and left out on the birth of a new baby. In our household, Taryn entered a world that, for health reasons, had to keep revolving around his big brother. What we do and don't do revolves around what Kai can and can't do. Our diet revolves around what Kai needs for his health (he's got allergies, including a lactose allergy we found out about last week, and we're trying a diet for his autism). Our whole lives revolve around Kai and his medical needs.

This, of course, in no way means that Taryn's needs are not met or are somehow ignored, or that he doesn't have a good relationship with his mom (we're not going to go into their father at this point). There's nothing about my baby that I can't tell you, and to meet him in person, you can clearly see that he is his mommy's boy. It does, however, mean that Taryn's life is not the typical "baby of the house" life that most people picture.

He does have to sacrifice my attention to his brother more often than I'd like. He has had his nights interrupted by his brother's nighttime screams of terror and panic. He has, sadly, been in the line of fire when his brother goes out of control. My top priority during those times is, of course, removing Taryn from a situation where he can get hurt, which usually means that Kai ends up in his room.

All this has also resulted in a balancing act, walking a fine line to ensure that neither of my sweet boys ever feels that they must fight for my attention, even if, at this point in their lives, I have to teach them what it means to get my attention to themselves.

Which brings me back to today.

While Kai was on my lap, crying his eyes out and breaking my heart over how unfair all this has been to him, Taryn was doing his own heart-breaking little act. He was screaming, trying to push his big brother off my lap, and climb up onto me himself. He so badly wanted me at that moment, and it broke my heart to tell him no and put him back down. While I can, and have, hold them both at the same time, during times like that, when Kai is hurting either physically or emotionally (or when Taryn is!), then he needs me and his brother can wait. At this point, being just barely over a year old, Taryn doesn't understand that it's okay to let brother have my attention to himself when he needs it. So, when Kai had calmed down (or, well, passed out), I situated him so he was no longer on my lap, and picked up my baby and held him until he fell asleep. And though this happens in all families (jealousy over one child having Mom or Dad's attention while the other one doesn't), it happens a lot in our family, and for me it seems further aggravated by the fact that it is more so because it is necessary that Kai have my attention so often, and because, unlike many families out there (but not as uncommon as it used to be), there is only one of me. There is no Daddy for Taryn to turn to if I have Kai on my lap or vice versa. I am the sole attention giver, and that, my friends, is one heck of a balancing act.